我寫了一封信
連結：more than one - 出題：寫信給沒了聯絡的朋友
親愛的，
很久沒有跟你聯絡了，你近來好嗎？我一切還好，工作方面算是不錯，只是正在趕交論文，所以最近比較忙一點。雖然如此，我仍想抽點時間來寫這封信給你。
上次見面已是十一年前的事了。那一次的同學聚會，我跟你沒有交談，而且我們之間又好像有點尷尬。那天我沒有正面望過你，或者自己心裡有愧，不敢面對你。
甚麼事令我覺得慚愧？其實我也沒有欠你甚麼，只是差一點我們便走在一起，而最終愛情卻沒有出現過。我選擇了別人，以為自己得到更幸福的，原來一切只是幻象。那一次聚會中，我沒有告訴你，那段可笑的戀情只維持了很短的日子。我怕讓你知道後，你會取笑我、嘲諷我，暗地揶揄我當天沒有跟你一起，才落得這下場。
那次見面之後，我再沒有遇到你了，就連簡單一個電話也沒有通上。不過，往後的日子，我不時想起你。
我記起你曾經跟我說過，你經常跑到蓮花宮探望你的婆婆。就因為這樣，有時我搭巴士回家，經過銅鑼灣的時候，也會望出車窗外，看看你會否就在街上行過。
你的十八歲生日，我送給你一個坐墊。雖然你笑我沒有眼光，揀了一個這麼醜怪的坐墊，不過你還是顯得頗愉快的。我記得你的腰骨動過手術，所以這個坐墊，正好讓你跟我講電話時，不會那麼容易感到疲累。
還有我的十八歲生日，你送給我的生日蛋糕。你知道嘛，那個生日，到這一刻也很難忘，因為那天我收到不只一個生日蛋糕。
你永遠也似是弱不禁風，面容哀愁，又帶點孤單。或者因為你是插班生，沒有人知道你的過去，也沒有融入同學之中。你爸爸的早逝，令我對你帶點憐憫。瘦削的身體，如何肩負得起這擔子？
很多事情早已忘記，還有很多仍然記著。
六年前的一個晚上，竟然讓我知道，原來你已經離開了。那一刻，我的心粉碎了。
你知嗎，在你離開後，我還以為曾經看見你在街上走過。雖然我知道很久以前，大家之間已經再沒有感覺，只是沒想到，你悄悄地，匆匆地走了。
我想來到你墳前，送上一束鮮花，說說我的近況。因為我一直沒有機會告訴你知，我已不愛你，我卻想念你；我想告訴你知，我希望可再遇到你；我想你告訴我知，你的生活愉快，你偶然也會想起我；我想你告訴我知，你要離開我，我們永別了。你可不可以告訴我，你現在還好嗎？可是我沒有勇氣再來到你面前，向你說出這番話。
可否讓我再遇你？可否讓我不想你？
9 comments:
Very touching letter.
Wir leben noch. The greatest courage in life is the will to go on living in pursue of happiness and satisfaction. The greatest love is well wishes for all, even to those who (we felt) wronged us and to those who can't or don't want to be with us. Ultimately, love is the happiness of the object of affection. Thus, I believe that she was happy and had long since transferred any residual feelings (whatever they may be) she may have had for you into well wishes. Lieb wohl und leb wohl!
曾立凡: my thought is more simple and not as "abstract" as anonymous. I wish you that in the future you will have the courage to share your good feelings for someone before it is too late. You seem a bit too worried about your own emotions. But maybe your story is not true and you just wrote it for the letter competition. michael.
Ruth: Thanks for reading!
Anon: Thanks. Your comment is philosophical. I understand that she might enjoy a happy relationship with her friends and boyfriend before she died. And in her life, I may be just as unremarkable as a small freckle on my face.
I feel sorry for her because her life is too short. She was so unfortunate, not because we couldn't be together, but she was too young to die. I miss her because we have never been a pair, and she will never "wither" in my mind.
And this letter is also a reflection of my impotence - my inability to love.
Anyway, I appreciate your attitude. You would live happily no matter how difficult the situation will be in your life. Danke schoen! Keep sharing please.
Michael: Thanks. I get used to concealing my affection. I know that is "unhealthy". I hope I can learn how to be true to my emotion.
And the story is genuine. My feeling towards the girl comes and goes. And recently this becomes a little intense and therefore it may be an opportunity for me to ventilate by writing such letter.
Hi again, it is a long time since you parted with this girl and maybe you are just projecting things on her that have to do with the present rather than the past because she is gone and harmless now. i used to do that. stay in the future and even if you cannot live according to your emotion soon, try to share and explain at least with the people who care about you. they deserve it. i know it is hard. hope i am not too frank...michael.
michael: Thanks for sharing. I appreciate that you would tell me such a meaningful account of human's emotion. I don't handle my own emotion very well as I always hide it up. I try to show to others as if I were bold and strong. Perhaps I should talk more and more.
Anyway, I don't love that girl anymore, but I do miss her. She is like a pretty delicate insect fixed in an amber - she won't decay and will not disappear in my mind. On the other hand, 我認為我也活得不錯，雖然我偶然會想起一些舊事，不過這些事情卻是我不想忘記的。即使如此，我仍然會為自己的將來尋求快樂。
Thanks a lot!
Hi 曾立凡 , i read chinese (90%) but do not write well. was born chinese in america but travel to china every month. found your blog searching for concerts in hongkong. you reminded me of myself and i answered. in hong kong now, boring day off and checked on you again.i read some of your articles. it seems you are working through the same thing over and over and that made me think about projection. sorry to doubt you but you sound like someone who is in love but hiding. years ago, i met a woman who liked me. she was smart enough and had the self-respect to reject my childish game after a while. she demanded that i leave my shell. it was tough and confusing for me to be provoked but i accepted the challenge. i didn't like myself but i liked her and i tried. my feelings for her also came and went. sometimes i hated her but i always returned to missing her. i don't know what your situation is and why you do these things. your situation may be complicated but for my own life, the beginning to a solution was simple: i tried to be simple and straight. i said to her i love you. i came out good. so, wish you courage for the future michael (weird to share in public with a stranger)
Hello 曾立凡: I bumped into your blog yesterday and I am touched by your words. 你對故友的思念真是很難得!
處於生活節奏急促的香港，你仍有空間去把對故友的思念情懷以文字好好保存下來更是值得學習。 如不嫌棄，想和你分享一下我的感受：生命有限，請好好珍惜身邊的一樹一草一物一人!!
道理如此，如果當日你有勇氣去和她多踏一步，那麼今日你對她所存在的思念可能並不如今刻的深刻痛心. 越是不曾擁有越是覺得遺憾，而越是遺憾的事也越是令人回味... 盼你能釋懷 ~ Nay 上
我也曾失去一位这样的朋友。虽知他确已离开，但仍希望他还在世上，而不是我心中。
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